Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
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You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Love is always patient and kind.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.