Natty or not?
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“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
I feel it
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.