I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
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my dog when i have a friend over
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
lost dog
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs