As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
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Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.