Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
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Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
What number SPF blocks people?
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Investing in beetcoin
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan