[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
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Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
best review i’ve ever seen
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao