My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
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Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!