relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
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The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH