A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
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No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect