THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
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Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Need WebMD
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
That’s classic.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”