When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
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Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Beware of fowl play.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip