[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
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I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.