Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
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familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Tough love is true love
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.