A friend helps you before you need it
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Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.