Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
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[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Wait a second…
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight