They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
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*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not