you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
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NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Oh, I bet you would be
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU