Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
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I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
gm
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.