Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
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Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.