[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
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Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”