I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
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Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Cashiers are always checking me out
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron