me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
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Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem