Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
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just make the entire table out of coaster
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp