friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
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I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
how to have an accident 101
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do