When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
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Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
This kid is a star!
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo