Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
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I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Bit chilly again tonight.