Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
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When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible