[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
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I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
No, YOUR illiterate.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
kitchen magnet
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.