Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
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[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
My love language is hissing.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
We all have our pet causes.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
“I FIXED IT!”
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.