The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
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Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2