Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
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Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret