Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
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I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Oh no
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Has science gone too far?
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.