IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
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mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.