My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
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landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”