Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
You Might Also Like
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
I don’t know what to do
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting