Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
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I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
we all know this pain all too well
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch