This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
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Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.