I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
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My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]