20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
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Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.