before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
O Wise One….
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*