Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
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“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking