A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
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Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Me buying fruit and veg
live long and prosper!
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.