35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
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Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Alexa: *deep breath*
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Mornin. * use accordingly
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.