I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
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Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
This bar smells like my childhood.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.