I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
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Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Every house has this drawer
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.