“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
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gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time