one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
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I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Banana is the quietest snack
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
who did the taste test?
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?