A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
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The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
The Joker was right
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
A completely valid reaction tbh
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car