They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
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Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
WTF
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI