[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
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Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be